I am not caving into self-indulgent binges as much as I was earlier and I've been making time to take a little bike ride every once in a while, pedaling especially hard on my way to and from work, and I'm starting to see the number on the scale get smaller again.
I've been thinking a lot about old habits and past issues. The old habits I used to lean on when life got rough were what put a 300+ lb. number on the scale. The old hurts and issues are a thing of the past. They're only able to hurt me now if I dredge them up and make them a part of my world today.
The past is the past. It's part of my history. It's part of who I used to be. Running to the pantry for a big old fix of carbs is also part of my past.
The biggest, most valuable gift I can give myself is a better way of eating. To live a healthy, vibrant, happy life.
Eating until I was too stuffed or drinking until I was too numb to feel anything didn't solve any of my issues before. It didn't make me happier, more fulfilled or stable. It won't make my husband's cancer go away, but it will cause him to worry about me. Eating to excess is a stupid, self-centered way to deal with my problems ... and I know this!
And something else happened during this last backslide: My right knee started hurting again. I am not sure if this is some kind of sub-conscious warning from my psyche about how I used to feel 124 lbs. ago or if I've somehow injured myself and wasn't aware of it.
All I know is that for the first time in over a year my knee is making me limp ... and I don't like it!!
So whether it's an injury or something else, I am taking it as a reminder of how far I've come and how important it is to take care of myself. This is the only body I have, it's a wonderful gift from God, and it's worth treasuring.
I have a lot to learn about myself in the coming months. Both my husband and I are being challenged and are facing a lot of fears and uncertainty about the future. So far, I've already learned a few things about myself: I've learned that I'm a lot stronger and more patient than I ever thought I was and I've also learned that watching my husband and how strong he has been through all of this has deepened my love and respect for him (and I didn't think it was possible to love that man any more than I already did!)
More lessons are coming and I'd rather face them with a strong mind and body. This falling apart and caving into the past is for the birds!