Week 61, 169 lbs.

Llamas and a donkey hanging out by a creek.  One
of the fun things I saw from my bike this week.

I am not proud of myself right now.  Last week I talked about not treating my worries with food.  Well, that's exactly what I've been doing.

We've received the official diagnosis and I can talk openly about it.  My husband has been diagnosed with cancer.  My wonderful, supportive, loving husband - my rock - has cancer.  It's the last thing you ever want to hear about someone you love.

Then I started eating everything I could get my hands on, reaching out in the wrong place for comfort - eating my sadness, anger and fear instead of processing those emotions in a healthy way. A moment of clarity came when my husband in a hinting, round-about way (he has a gentle way of putting things when he's worried) let me know that he is proud of what I've been able to do in the past year and doesn't want me to fall apart or put my weight back on because of him.

So it's time to get my act together.  It's not going to  do my husband any good if he's worried about me while he's busy healing.

My husband has excellent doctors and while we don't have the full picture of what his treatment is going to be like or whether the cancer will be easy or difficult to treat, I know he's in good hands.  So today, instead of hanging on to my emotions and stuffing them down with food, I am going to hand them over to God.

As my friend Sharon said to me recently, "You're the new and improved Lanza and you've worked damn hard..so keep on those rails sister. You are going to need to be as fit as you can possibly be to face what is ahead. You have all the tools and you are stronger now and you've made a promise to yourself to be good to yourself and to never go back to that unhappy, hurting person you were a year ago."  Thank you, Sharon, I needed that!

I need to be the best me possible right now.  This issue isn't about me, so I need to stop indulging in crazy behaviors and really BE THERE for the most important person in my life.  He needs and deserves a strong, healthy wife by his side to face the road ahead.

So instead of moping at home on Monday, I hopped on my bike and rode for 15 miles.  I have to say the bike ride did a lot more to lift my spirits than the excess peanut butter ever did.  I knew when I went to weigh-in later that day that the readings weren't going to be good.  Both my weight and fat ratio have climbed to a higher number and it's going to take some time to get back to where I was.  But you know what?  The work is worth it and I'm worth the effort.

This episode is not a set-back.  It's an opportunity to learn about myself and prove to myself how strong I really am.  I'm going to make sure to take time for myself, to move my body and treat myself with respect - it's one of the ways I can help ease the burden and worries the man of my heart is carrying around.